Brokenness

   Hello friends! I know my posts have been few and far in between, but I’m really letting God run this. I’ve tried a few times to write some blog posts, but I just couldn’t get the words out. These past few days though, I’ve really heard God talking and calling out to me.

  I recently have rededicated my life to the Lord. I’ve always followed Jesus, but life always seemed to be too much. (Ridiculous way of thinking, I know)

  We started going to church back in April, and I was really on fire for our Savior! I had been praying for the Lord to start a fire in me and he did just that. I was on a high for months! 

  Then one day at church our pastor was talking about how God had to break him down to build him up to who God was calling him to be. Right then and there I prayed that God would break me down to build me up. I honestly don’t think I understood the seriousness of that prayer.

  You know what happened? I broke down. For almost 3 weeks I felt broken. It started off slow, I didn’t “feel” like reading my Bible. I went from reading my Bible multiple times a day to not at all. I spent way too much time on my phone. 

  Then started the anxiety and fears. I’ve always dealt with anxiety, but this consumed my entire being. I wasn’t sleeping because of the fears running through my mind. I became afraid of the darkness that was in our home, I couldn’t move. I was terrified of my baby in his own room. Scared that something would happen. 

  I was angry and I was tired. I was filled with so much fear. I was questioning if the Lord was even there… why would he let me feel this way? 

  I hit my breaking point and was sobbing to my husband. I couldn’t get ahold of myself. He didn’t say much but got up and came back with my bible. He sat down and opened to proverbs and read out loud for quite some time. I fell asleep soon after, feeling the Lords peace. 

  The next day, I made myself sit down and spend time with the Lord. You know where God lead me? Proverbs 4:24-26.

“When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet. Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, for the Lord will be at your side and will keep your foot from being snared.”

  Word for word, God was talking to me. He was telling me I wasn’t going to be afraid for he is with me! 

  Then I saw a video about Psalm 91. Making God your dwelling place. Psalm 91:1

“Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty”

  To dwell in the shelter of the Lord, means to LIVE in the shelter of the Lord. That doesn’t just mean for your 20 minute bible study. That doesn’t just mean on Sunday mornings. That means to take God everywhere! To LIVE IN HIS SHELTER! To say, “Hey God, will you come to the store with me? Hey God, will you come with me to have this hard conversation? Hey God, will you come have coffee with me and a friend?” 

  I think that through all of this God was showing me that following his word isn’t on MY time… and it isn’t about how pretty it looks. It’s not about making the pages of my bible journal look pretty, or the pretty highlighters. 

  It’s about dwelling in him and his holiness. It’s about constantly living in his word. It’s about the messy- the middle of the night prayers. It’s the desperateness to follow his word. It’s about the on your knees worship that is only between you and our savior. It’s about his almighty love for us! 

  I’m thankful for the brokenness. I’m thankful that through all of it, God was with me. Through all the anxiety God was there waiting for me to call on him.